I won’t lie, this past week was a tough one. And not just a “oh it’s cold outside, the water froze, I forgot something at the store” kinda tough. This week was a punch in the gut, so hard that coming up for air, at times seemed impossible.
I know you’ve all had days, weeks, maybe months like this. For me it started with a text.
For those of you who don’t know me, I lost my sweet TB Daiwik to EPM last July. He fought hard, and I fought even harder. We tried everything, but in the end, his body was in too much pain. Letting him go was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. He was only 10, and we were supposed to have a long journey together. As I am writing this, tears well up... my heart hurts. I loved that big guy so much… still do.
So getting this text from my vet was… petrifying. I went into shock. My sympathetic nervous system took over and there was no flight or freeze, instead I put on my superhero cape and chose to FIGHT. To be real, that wasn’t necessarily a choice, it’s what I am wired to do. (I teach a lot about this in my training). Fight is about taking action, it’s about movement, and that I did. 1) Text back. Order meds. 2) online purchase- the herbs that seemed to offer Daiwik relief. 3) Research any new studies since I last went into this battle. 4) Start a GoFundME for all the horses in our herd that need EPM treatment which is four out of five.
I received the text around noon. I sat at my computer, without food or water, without taking care of any other needs, until 9pm. It got dark. My dog whined a few times. I kept going. I knew as soon as I stopped I would fall apart.
This may not have been the healthiest approach, I teach people to be in touch with their emotional world. To allow themselves to experience the full range of what it means to be a human. But just like all of you, I am far from perfect, and sometimes I .just. Can’t. Deal.
Afterwards though, when I had no more distractions, the reality hit me.
To say I am scared is an understatement.
To say that I am angry is less than the truth.
To say that I am sad is downplaying my feelings.
This is life. And even when it gets this bad, I’m in.