Relationships and romance; The best and the hardest things in life.

I think most people believe that there is someone out there that they will fall in love with and the relationship will be close to perfect. Love, laughter, play and mutual support. And sometimes, the beginning of relationships is just that, but it doesn’t last. 

Why is it that relationships get so hard?

Why do we fall for people that cause us so much pain? 

It’s simple really, we are attracted to people who can help us heal our wounds. BUT, that means they will also be the people who trigger our wounds. OUCH!!

Unfortunately what often happens is that when a wound is triggered in us, we make it about the other person, they did something to make us feel this way, and we turn away from them. 

My deepest core wound is not feelings good enough, not being lovable. I know where it came from, and I have done a ton of work on it BUT, it still comes up, and I still go into protective mode. I catch it earlier and I can turn back towards the person I love, but it’s there. 

Knowing our core wounds, our core fears is extremely important. Recognizing when they come up and turning towards the person who triggered them is how we begin to shift. 

This is incredible hard to do!!! But this is imperative if we are going to be in a healthy and long term relationship. 

Relationships are our opportunity to heal. When we commit to staying in, especially when we are brought to our knees in pain, that’s when we start to rewire our wounds, and turn them into sources of strength. 

So how do we do this???

Well, you can start the work when you are single or on your own, but I will tell you, that no matter how much work you do on yourself alone, your stuff will arise when you fall in love. There’s a vulnerability there, the other person gets access to parts of you that are tender. 
That’s a good thing, AND it means we will be in pain at some point. 

But remember, pain is the touch stone for all growth! 

Here are a few steps to help you with this process. If you are in a relationship, these are great to do with your partner. 

1. What is your deepest fear in your relationship or around being in a relationship? Ex, that she will leave me. 
2. Go deeper into this fear, explore it, what does it mean about me? Ex, I am not good enough. Get to your core fears/beliefs about yourself.
3. Where does this come from? The original wounding. This question can help give you some insight about yourself but sometimes it’s a series of events and it can be hard to pin point. 
4. THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT- What do I do to protect this wound?? For example, when my core wound of not being lovable comes up, I shut down, I get cold and distant. We may have a few ways of protecting ourselves, learn what yours are. 
5. Once you know what your protective patterns are, make sure to share them with your partner. Most likely your protective patterns trigger hurt and pain in your partner, which is why we get into these really painful experiences with each other. You get scared because your core wound is being triggered, you protect your wound, which in turn triggers your partners core wound. IT”S A FREAKING CIRCUS!!! A painful one. 
6. Commit to each other. If in a relationship to practice turning towards each other, instead of away when feeling triggered and scared. Notice the shift in your body, share what you are feeling, keep eye contact, yes, this is super hard and scary, but this is how we heal. 
7. When you aren’t able to do this, catch it as soon as possible and come together to express in a vulnerable way what happened for you and what you could have done differently. 
8. If there’s a specific way your partner can support you when you are in your painbody, when you are triggered, you can ask them for that, but know that they will most likely be triggered as well so it can be hard for them to do. 
9. The goal is to be able to feel your fear, your pain in the moment, without protecting. 

This all sounds simple, but this is the hardest work we will do in our life time. And if you only remember one thing from this blog, remember this, TURN TOWARDS AND STAY. The mistake most of us make is that we think that the person who triggered us is the cause of the pain, and if we leave them, we will feel better. Yes, for the time being you will, but the wound is still there, and the next person will touch it as well. 
Leaving when hurt just means the same trigger will come up again, and again and again. In this relationship or the next. They don’t go away because we change partners, because it’s not about your partner, it’s about you.

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