If you’ve ever done a clinic with me, you’ll have heard me say that whatever I’m presenting on will get really big for me in my own life. So for example, if I’m doing a clinic on fear in the saddle, all of a sudden my fear will slap me so hard across the face I can’t turn away from it and I’ll have to deal with it. It’s turned into a freaking cosmic joke at this point. If I was a bit smarter maybe I’d start doing clinics on “how to be fabulous” or “riding is actually easy”, but...
(actually the “how to be fabulous” may need to happen)
If you read the blog I wrote at the beginning of the week, I talked about not damaging your relationship with your horse by taking your emotions out on him. (I pretty much only ride geldings so excuse my use of my him in all my blogs. You can replace it with her if you are crazy enough to ride mares)
Alright, so, on Tuesday night I find myself in a group lesson playing a loooong game of tugga war with the Ji Man. I’m pretty sure he started it but, let’s be honest, I know better than to play that game, and even though I spend many hours in the gym, I’ve got nothing on him. The game ends with me letting out a primordial scream which may have sounded a bit like a four letter word I’m too old to get away with using in a place like this. Too be clear though, there were only adults present! Ji did stop, not sure if it was my yelling or he just had enough, and one of the trainers rode over, with a smirk and maybe a slight look of disapproval. I honestly can’t remember because my whole world was tinted red.
If you’ve seen me ride, you’ve probably heard me make a noise. I’m vocal, and I definitely express myself in some odd ways. I make a weird whopping sound when I get a bit jumped out of the tack and I grunt fairly often.
This scream was a bit more... cause for concern.
She looks at me, and with a pretty straight face asks “what’s the problem?”
“HE’S THE PROBLEM!!”, comes out of me.
I know as soon as I say those words that I’m in deep. Ack...
She talks for a bit. I can’t remember what she says, but I know tears are welling up in my eyes.
I walk off. I trot a bit. I soften some.
I reflect on me. Not on him.
I notice the knot in my chest that was probably there before I mounted. I soften more and allow myself to feel this place. I’m sad. A bit scared. Nothing at all to do with my horse. I stop trying and just let him move.
I feel this big being under me. I try my best to not beat the crap out of myself for bringing my human struggle into our relationship. I pat him often as we go.
I wonder if it’s true that horses are very forgiving. I think it is. Maybe that’s one of the greatest gifts we can learn from them... To forgive more. Forgive others when they cause us harm, and to truly, in the deepest part of our scraggly human soul, forgive ourselves when we have those moments of acting like fools.
~ Have a great ride.